Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
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Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Life is a suicide mission.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now