I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
You Might Also Like
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.