Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
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I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
What?!?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…