Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time