Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀