Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
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I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs