me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
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Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
#parenting
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
From Facebook just now…
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Oh the world we live in…
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist