Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
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wishing you and yours all the best
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣