Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
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Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend