Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
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Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes