If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
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i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.