What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.