WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
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I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring