I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.