The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Monday
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.