So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
never compromise your values
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Every haunted house movie:
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking