You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
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No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
girls literally only want one thing..
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones