If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.