No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
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People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh