I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
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I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
A short story about romance.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth