If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
You Might Also Like
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.