Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
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Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Catering service
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
#gardening
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Print is alive and well!!!
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
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