Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
You Might Also Like
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
When does CPR become necrophilia?
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Baller is short for ballerina
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
sounds kinky. i’m in.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Not all heroes wear capes….
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.