Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
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THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”