If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
You Might Also Like
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
A short story about romance.