No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren鈥檛 any butterscotch candies inside.
HER: let鈥檚 be open about how we really feel. I鈥檒l go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don鈥檛 want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
You think you鈥檝e got problems? This is what I鈥檓 having for dinner
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Anakin: 鈥s it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn鈥攁nd teach鈥攋ust about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 馃槉
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven鈥檛 played with in five years and everyone notices
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
me: who鈥檚 ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I can鈥檛 stop laughing 馃ぃ
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”