ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*