You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
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We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
not seeing the problem
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry