[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
You Might Also Like
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”