On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
You Might Also Like
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do