My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
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My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
bought wrong eggs
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.