A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
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Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
good morning
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.