Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
You Might Also Like
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.