[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
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sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Lmfao
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.