I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
SF is the wild wild west man
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁