Basketball games are very squeaky.
You Might Also Like
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Spring of Deception
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
This pepper has seen some shit
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis