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“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home