These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.