Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
You Might Also Like
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW