This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.