A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
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Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
She puts the hot in psychotic
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me