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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face