In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
You Might Also Like
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?