The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
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[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
LMAO
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
There is wisdom there.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.