What kind of a cult is this?
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OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
can’t catch a break
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?