My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
You Might Also Like
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*