Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math