What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
You Might Also Like
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My work here is done
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?