coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Hank is one in a melon.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*