Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
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I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Bros before Ohioes
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.